Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Tiny and Strong

This is the face of sheer determination and then pride.

My face is more like WTF? Stop it now. And, are you freaking kidding me, crawling? I can't. I just can't.

Wednesday, April 8, 2015

Winnie Turned Six Months. I Cried.

Dear Winnie,
Happy half birthday, sweet girl.
Where the heck have six months gone? I'm pretty sure I have only blinked a few times, and I know for sure that I have barely slept, yet here we are. Six months. Half a year is gone.
The last time I will have a six month old.
Literally every day I am torn between savoring every single one of these last moments with my last baby, and wishing it away. Wanting you to be bigger, older, doing more. The second I feel like that, I am torn back to wanting you to stay a baby forever, because god damn it, I just really love babies. I just really love YOU as a baby.

You are so snuggly. You could just sit in my arms and on my lap all day. You love to fall asleep laying on my chest and if I put my face up close to yours you gently lean in so we are face to face. If I had to pick one thing to keep forever, it would be the snuggling.
You started out so big and now you are so tiny. Barely breaking the 15th percentile. A whopping 13lbs 12 ounces yesterday at you six month appointment. So tiny, so sweet.
You started eating solid food last week and you're pretty so-so about it so far. You couldn't seem to care less. It's not that you are refusing to eat, it's just... you're like meh, I will just open my mouth this tiny bit, see how much you can get in. I think it's all the distractions. Maybe I should start feeding you when no one else is around.
You roll over like a champ and definitely prefer to be on your belly pushed up on your arms, looking around. You can spin around and push yourself around on the floor. I don't think it's super intentional yet, but the strength is there, so I imagine it's coming soon. You started sitting up with little to no assistance just this past weekend and are getting sturdier and sturdier every day. You also prefer to sleep on your belly (and only in your crib. theres barely a carseat nap to be had these days), you roll yourself over in the night and sleep wayyyy more soundly. You are still the quiestest sleeper in the history of ever and it continues to freak me the freak out. It's not normal Winnie, people make sounds when they are sleeping, you know, like breathing sounds. WHERE ARE ALL THE BREATHING SOUNDS WINNIE? No, seriously?! But that leads to my next thought. What happened to all the glorious, wonderful, long, restful nights we used to have? What happened to you? To that? TO US? I gotta tell ya, this 3, 4, 5 times waking up at night? It's killing me. Stop it. Stop it now. Once? Twice even. But FIVE? How about no. Okay, glad we cleared that up.

You have two cute little bottom teeth and we have been patiently waiting for one on the top to cut through. Except it hasn't been patiently, it's been a lot of screaming and fevers and face rashes and crying. Some of the crying even comes from you. Anwyays, I've always hated that bitch the tooth fairy and now I hate her more. She makes you miserable. I hope it cuts through soon so you can go back to your happy self.
You currently love chewing on blankets, pulling my hair, gently touching my face and giggling when we surprise you. You formerly loved being carried on me, but surprisingly you have started to love the stroller too. You seem immune to noise because Jace screams literally in your ears (not on purpose, he's a loud talker) and you barely even blink. You don't love being left alone in a room and make it quite clear that we have done so. You don't like baths, but sure do love a shower.
You are so loved. It feels like you have been around forever. Maizey adores being a big sister to you, distracting you and holding you. She can make you happy most of the time and we often comment what a great sister she is. Jace also adores you, and besides the odd time that he gives you trouble for touching him, he likes to share his most sacred toys with you and climbs into your bed every morning just to check if you are awake, which you never are so he always wakes you up. It's equally infuriating and adorable. haha.
I want to remember these days with you. The way you look at me when I am feeding you and how even after you finish eating, you just like to lay across my lap in peace for awhile. The way you truly just need me (and a little bit daddy, but mostly just me). The way you smile and giggle and scream bloody murder. Your tiny little wrist creases,  and your deep and long thigh creases. Your raspberry blowing face, your ridiculously and beautifully long eye lashes and your bascically bald and perfectly round head. The way you are my last baby and I won't get these moments back and how precious this time with you really is.

Happy half birthday Winnie the pooh.
We cannot imagine our lives without you.
We love you. SO much.
Love, Mama and Daddy

Saturday, March 7, 2015

(New) Home

Well. It happened. Obviously.
We moved. It's already been five weeks.
If you have talked to me at all in these last weeks you have probably heard me say things like "oh, it's coming" "yes, it feels good. well, I mean, it will feel good, right now it feels like hell haha kidding" "Ya, we've sort of run out of steam, so we are just living in a mess, but it will get there. I know, I'm not worried" "It's fine".
That was me trying to trick myself into being positive.
The truth is, I have been a negative nancy since we moved in. In fact, Brian actually felt the need to say to me I wish you would just stop focusing on all the negative shit. Naturally, I didn't react that well to that, but five little minutes of quiet reflection and I was like Oh ya, I have been a total asshole. 
First, I'm just going to go ahead and quickly complain about all the shit that I have been complaining about. The disgusting carpets - fml. The absolutely hideous wall paper headboard and brass sconces that adorn the master bedroom wall that make me want to throw up in my mouth every time I make eye contact with it. The cobwebs and the fact that the previous people didn't clean at all. Like, not even a tiny bit. Other peoples filth - fuuuuccckkkk. *shudder*. Who builds a house slightly turned on the lot? I mean, do you hate symmetry or something? Why can't we figure out the heat? It's boiling hot, it's freezing cold, we can't win. Who designed the light switches? None of them make sense. It's annoying. What color are these walls, faded pepto bismal pink? If they had asked anyone, they would have been told that the color was never nice. Not back then, not now. Fake brick lino that still looks brand new even though it's over 30 years old? Ok, thats kind of impressive. Ugly, but impressive. Who puts carpet in the dining room slash the only room big enough for our kitchen table? Obviously not the person who has to clean it, thats for sure. Hunter green trim - what in the actual fuck were you thinking?

Ok, ok, I'm sure there's more, but I can't think of it right now, so I will call that "progress" and move on. Whew, I'm glad I got that off my chest.

Because you know what? This last week, I have turned a major corner. I walked in a few days ago and it smelled like us. It smelled like home. I felt an overwhelming sense of peace, like I didn't want to go "home" any more, I finally, finally, felt like maybe I WAS home.
I had at least as hard of a time leaving our other house as I expected. Maybe worse actually. One day I will write it out, how ever emotional and vulnerable I will feel, because I think it's good to feel those feelings and I want to one day look back on that and remember what it felt like and to see how far I've come since that day.

The gross pink walls are still gross, the carpet is awful and don't even get me started on the bidet. Oh did I mention there's a bidet? Ya, be jealous. ha. but also know that it's going, however much of a conversation starter it is, and however wonderful they apparently are to use *ahem, not that anyone has tried it*  it's not sticking around taking up prime bathroom real estate. We have mostly got the heat figured out and I have never been more appreciative of the fact that we own a Dyson (LIFE. SAVER.). It's mostly clean now - I mean, I only have so many hours a day to spend washing walls and wiping baseboards and vacuuming screens and windowsills, so the rooms we use, those are done, the rest, well, I will get there. I know the "problems" (complaints is probably a better word) are mostly cosmetic and I know one day it will all be re-finished and nice and new again. That's the problem with leaving a place that you have already re-done and LOVE, and going to a place that has potential. Thats what we kept saying - it's not nice now, but it for sure has potential to be a fantastic house. I just needed a few weeks to remind myself of the potential we saw when we first looked at it.

Sitting on the floor beside the stove playing games, reading books, hanging out, thats pretty great. The yard, the deck, the two floors of windows, however slightly turned they may be - all amazing, and definitely things to appreciate. Giant old trees surrounding us, the flats not more than 100 steps from our door, a quiet cul de sac with only two other houses. Sitting at the head of the table and not seeing any other houses. Those are just a few of the great things about living here and calling this place home.
We are (mostly) settled in and love company even more, now that we have room for you!